


The matter of life and death.

by pararanch



Series: one shots and drabbles [13]
Category: Thai Actor RPF, เกลียดนักมาเป็นที่รักกันซะดีๆ | TharnType: The Series (TV), เกลียดนักมาเป็นที่รักกันซะดีๆ | TharnType: The Series (TV) RPF
Genre: Bittersweet Ending, Character Death, Companion Bond Feelings, M/M, Matter of Life and Death, Slice of Life, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Talk about death and afterlife, not particularly angsty just... a lot of talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-15 12:14:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29435895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pararanch/pseuds/pararanch
Summary: Grim Reaper! AUGulf nearly took his life by jumping through the Bhumibol Bridge — until Mew the grim reaper stopped him.“It’s not your time yet.”“How do you know about that?”“Because I’m the one that would be taking your life.”A lot of contemplation and deep talk regarding the meaning of life and death.tw:suicidal attempt, character death(s).
Relationships: Mew Suppasit Jongcheveevat/Gulf Kanawut Traipipattanapong
Series: one shots and drabbles [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2062137
Comments: 2
Kudos: 33





	The matter of life and death.

In contemplation, Gulf gulped nervously when he saw the Chao Praya river’s water reflected the colourful city lights. As he silently watching the water ripples, he took a very deep breath that he wished could calm himself down and slowly stepped into the nearest stone column on the bridge that he could rest his feet into. He could feel his breath shaken with fear as he contemplates to raise his body even further on to the railings, or to stepping down back to the road. He decided to stepped down a bit to regain his courage as he closed his eyes with desperation when he heard a stranger’s voice.

_“It’s not even worth it you know.”_

Gulf’s head snapped at the way where the voice came from. He stunned when he saw a guy, looked a bit older than him, silver hair with sharp jaw and sharp eyes with all black attire head to toe, looked at him nonchalantly like he was watching something that he already used to every single day.

“It’s not even that fun, the after life, that is,” He tilted his head uninterestedly, looking at Gulf with somewhat calculating expression. “Just because you lost your friends’ money, doesn’t mean that you have to end your life. Go borrow money from your mom.”

Gulf looked at him with total confusion. How _could_ this random guy knew—

The guy raised his left eyebrow with a flat expression and continue, “She will be mad at you for sure, probably also knock your head once or twice. But she would definitely prefer you to do that instead losing her only son.”

_“How do you—“_

“Listen, friendly advice here,” Mew folded his arms and sighed tiredly as he leaned back at the railings. “It’s not your time yet, and even if you still insist to jump through the bridge, you won’t die just yet. You will be badly hurt and needed to be treated in the hospital for at least a week. And you will be facing your mom’s sadness and she will also be knowing your stupidity to lost your friend’s money. Also, you still have to face your friends and told them the truth.” He shrugged his shoulder lightly. “It will be easier just to face it right away without the jumping part because medical treatment at the hospital ain’t cheap — it would probably cost the same with the money that you lost. Better ask right away to your mother. Apologize to her, promise to her that you will paid it back by working part time or something, I don’t care.”

Gulf’s mouth went agape and he lost at words, but still trying to formed some coherent words to say to this stranger, _“Who— why— how..._ how do you know about those things? Do you actually could read my mind? Are you fortune teller or something?”

The guy just smirked slowly and chuckled, “I’m the one who will be taking your life. Of course I know that it’s not your time yet. And yes, I won’t be taking yours tonight even if you’d jump through the bridge.”

Gulf could feel his legs turned into jelly when he watched the guy’s back that already started to walk even further from the Bhumibol Bridge. He dropped down in defeat and leaned back to the railings, staring up at the colourful lights at the bridge that started to blurred upon his tired eyes.

It wasn’t like he wanted to take his life on the first place — it was just — he feels like he didn’t have any choice anymore. Last week, he realized that he just lost all of the money that his school going to use for making merits next month to celebrate his school’s 75th anniversary. And it’s _a lot_ of money. Probably the biggest amount of money that he ever held during his 17th years old life. He’d probably lost it at the taxi that he took with his mom last month, or he didn't even know — it could be dropped randomly at some spot at the school when he hurried down to have soccer practice after class. He already searched for every place that he think of, even coming to the taxi company to ask if they found any thick white envelopes, but he found none. Like, _literally_ nothing. When he panicking the moment he realized that he lost such a huge amount of money — that certainly _not his_ in the first place — he literally blanked out when he realized that he’d probably wouldn’t find it any longer. He couldn’t imagine how the whole school would react — in all boys school, it won’t be easy once you made a huge, _huge_ mistakes. Especially one that involved money of the whole school. They’d probably think that Gulf spend it for his own benefits. And his mom — he could only imagine how mad she would be. She’d probably erased him from the family line for being such an embarrassment of the family for being such a reckless kid. Being a naughty boy that often skipping class was one thing, however another one that involved such case that he currently facing — he could already imagine how his sister would rolled her eyes at him and said, “This is why I always asked _why_ they trusted you to be the treasurer of the school. You’ve never been good on taking care on your own money, let alone being trusted to hold such amount from the entire school for such big charity event.”

And when suddenly the leader of the event told him that they should started to buy the necessities for the merits from tomorrow on earlier this week, he gulped down. He realized that he couldn’t run from this untold problem anymore, and upon his walk to home when he usually walked upon the cable-stayed bridge crossing the Chao Phraya River, he asked himself wether it would be worth it just to jump through the river and ended his problems entirely. He had a very fulfilling 17 years to live his life. It wasn’t like people would missed him right? They would probably glad that he’s gone because he lost the entire school’s money.

However, that meeting with the strange guy that turned out to be a grim reaper — _right?_ — certainly stopped him and made him rethink his choice of life.

That night, when he came home, his mom waited for him in the living room even though it was already past midnight and stare at him solemnly when he went inside the house. She didn’t ask much, she only stare at him solemnly and reach to him to hug him tightly as if she knew what her son thinking of earlier.

“Please tell me everything if you have problems, don’t you remember that I’ve been raising you all these times without asking much from you?”

It must be mother’s instinct.

That night Gulf cried at his mom’s arms silently, and she let him be, still not asking him questions until he was the one that ready to told her everything.

The next time Gulf saw him, it was when his family visit his uncle that has been sick at the hospital. He wanted to buy some tea since his mom asked him to at the hospital’s canteen, and he stunned because he saw him again — passing through him like it was an ordinary thing, like a usual passerby, while Gulf knew exactly that it’s not. He unconsciously followed him even though he knew that he shouldn’t did that, and he didn’t realized that he actually did such thing until the other guy turned around and looked at him with a sigh.

“What are you doing?” He stare at Gulf suspiciously. “You could see me?”

“So I shouldn’t?” Gulf squeaked out a bit because he was a bit scared.

“You didn’t have special ability to see ghost and spirits, right? Then you’re totally shouldn’t," He clicked his tongue annoyedly. "It must be a glitch from heaven."

“Is that even possible?” Gulf quicken his step to match the others.

“Perhaps because I disrupt you from jumping from the bridge last week....” He passed through Gulf uninterestedly, but regardless, Gulf followed him out of curiosity. “Are you not afraid of me?”

“Should I?” Gulf blinked his doe eyes.

“Not necessarily, but a lot of people tend do so,” He shrugged lightly.

“At first, I do. Before I know that you’re not as scary as the fairytales and folklores illustrated you to be.”

“So I’m not scary?” He raised his eyebrows unamusedly.

“You’re just like us, physically,” Gulf flailed his hands randomly to the guy beside him.

“Is that so?”

 _“Except_ the fact that you could took life out of people.”

Mew heaved a long sigh and walk even faster to left Gulf behind as he no longer interested to converse with him — Gulf _knew_ that he never felt interested on the first place, so...

“What are you doing here? Is someone going to die today?” Gulf asked out of curiosity.

“It’s a hospital, kid, it’s the very obvious thing, isn’t it? People die here every single day,” Mew sighed again.

Gulf pouted at the guy that had similar height with him, “Why are you being so cruel.”

“Well, I’m just stating a fact,” He shrugged and suddenly stopped at some door. “Now, if you please, I need to do my job.” He then went inside as if he owned the room. Gulf blinked when he closed the door. It was occupied so clearly he couldn’t barge into someone’s privacy just because he was curious to ask more question from the strange guy. Through the small window glass on the door, he saw that the room that initially calm suddenly filled with tears and hysterical voice that followed by the solemn stare from the doctor and nurse that quietly exited the room after they bow their head to the family in regret.

Gulf couldn’t watch it even further. He hated to see that kind of scene. He couldn’t even watched it through movies because it was guaranteed that he would cried his eyes out, let alone to see it in real life. There was a reason why he couldn’t bare to see his grandpa dying when he was a child. Since then, he always refused to see that kind of scene. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before he took a seat at nearest bench before he saw that guy went outside calmly as if he just went from vacation. Gulf was surprised because that guy suddenly took a seat beside him and leaned his back as he tilted his head at the room.

“I thought you don’t scared of the idea of dying?”

“I don’t necessarily feel scared when it comes to my own life,” Gulf pinched the bridge of his nose to reduce his sudden headache. “However, when it comes to others’.... especially my closest friends and family... I don’t think that I’m okay with it.”

“Do you realize how selfish you are?” He scoffed. “Next time you want to suicide, think about the people that you left behind.”

“I’m sorry,” Gulf bite his lips guiltily. “Thank you, anyway, for reminding me — for stopping me.”

“Well, sometimes when I’m free I just want to prevent some unneeded mess,” He shrugged easily. “So, what happen afterwards?”

“I told my mom the truth. She lent me some money that I had to repay within 2 years,” Gulf sighed. “Now I’m juggling between 3 part time jobs in order to pay it on time.”

“Serves you right,” He raised his left eyebrows.

“I know, I’m sorry,” Gulf frowned guiltily.

“Don’t apologize to me. I’m not your family nor your friends. I’m not God either. Even if you apologize to me, I couldn’t erase your sin because it’s not at my capacity.”

“So, it’s still considered a sin?” Gulf’s shoulder dropped in disappointment.

“Having a thought to end your life before your actual time is indeed considered a sin. No matter what is your beliefs,” The other sighed as he watched the patient’s dead body from the room earlier being transferred to the ward room.

“Is that so?” Gulf pouted sadly.

The guy with all black attire stood up and turned to Gulf a bit. Gulf was surprised that the other guy raised his hand to ruffled through his hair softly and said, “Just repay all of your sin by doing good deeds starting now. You will be fine.” He let our a small smile before he turned back around to followed the nurses to the ward room.

Gulf decided to regain all of his confidence and said, “Excuse me, but what is your name?”

All of the nurses and the sad family looked back at him confusedly a bit and turned back to walking to the ward. Gulf forgot that they couldn’t see _him._

“I don’t think that it matters, I’m not even sure that we will meet again,” The other guy frowned at him.

“But what if we meet again?” Gulf asked with hopeful eyes.

The other looked at Gulf like he calculating something and raised his eyebrows, “Mew.”

“Mew,” Gulf tested it out with his tongue.

“Don’t expect much, though. Usually people that would see me is someone that I would send into the afterlife,” He nudged his chin to the group that would be processing the cremation of their family member. “Well, then, I need to finished my job. Don’t forget that your mom is waiting for your tea.”

Tea? _Oh,_ right.

 _Eh—_ wait, Gulf never told him such thing.

When he wanted to asked him how far that he could read Gulf’s mind, he couldn’t see him anymore.

However, Gulf never saw him again afterwards. That — until one year later, when he wanted to crossed the street. He saw a familiar figure and again, he unconsciously followed him even if Mew walking towards the opposite road that he earlier wanted to take to.

“Kid, why are you following me again?” Mew sighed without taking a glance at Gulf.

“My feet following you without even realizing it,” Gulf replied truthfully.

“Don’t you have cram school to take?” Mew frowned at him.

“I could study later,” Gulf replied lightly.

Still frowning at the other’s attitude, Mew asked, “What about your plan not to make other sin in the future?”

“But I don’t get to see you every single day,” Gulf pouted sadly. “I will tell my mom the truth that something urgent coming up and I will make sometime to took extra class on weekend.”

“What do you want from me?” He stared at Gulf uninterestedly from head to toe.

“I don’t know either, I just found your job is very interesting,” Gulf blinked his eyes innocently.

“Very interesting, you say?" Mew frowned at him unamusedly. The ability to taking human’s life?” 

“Tell me, how do you get the job?” Gulf asked curiously, quicken his step to matched with Mew’s. “Do you actually could die? Is reincarnation really exist?”

“Listen kid,” The other guy stopped abruptly and see through Gulf’s eyes intimidatingly. “I’m not here to play around with children like you. So could you please leave me alone and mend your own business?”

Gulf’s face slowly turned into a dejected puppy, “Do you have to be so cruel?” The other rolled his eyes and walked even further from Gulf, his black coat being swept by the wind slowly. Gulf decided to still following him around despite the rejection.

“I don’t have any attachment to others, especially human being, and I certainly didn’t have much emotion to understand them humans. So, no. I don’t think that I’m being cruel. I’m just stating a fact. That I shouldn’t converse with human. This is _not_ normal. And you _should_ be scared with me. We both _know_ that it’s far from normal.”

“But— it must be a sign, isn’t it?” Gulf started again with hope. “Don’t you think that universe set this unusual thing — the fact that I could see you — for something?”

“It’s just a mere glitch. Not some kind of weird fairytale of destiny that you humans like to think of,” Mew replied as a matter of factly.

That had Gulf stopped from his steps. He looked at the back of the other guy with dejection, hopeless state. Because to him, in fact, it was some kind of odd destiny.

Gulf didn’t know if it was a blessing or not, but from that day onwards, suddenly he could spot the other guy everyday and Mew finally gave up at Gulf’s eagerness to followed him around whenever he could spot him.

“Are you not lonely?” He asked one day out of curiosity.

“Should I?”

“Normally, you do.”

“I don’t know, I don’t think that universe created me to feel the need of companionship,” Mew shrugged lightly.

“Isn’t it sad?” Gulf stare at him with a sad eyes.

“Like I said before, I don’t have many emotions to feel to begin with, most probably so that I could think with a clear head and didn’t do stupid things out of impulse,” He explained flatly without any emotion being apparent.

“Don’t you feel like you’re living like a robot?” Gulf blurted down another question.

“I‘ve never live as a robot, so, no, I don’t think so,” He shrugged his shoulder lightly. “Don’t you know that I live far, far more than the creation of robot exist? In a way perhaps human created it without any emotion because they learned that spirits, angels, and demons couldn’t feel much emotions through the scripture.”

“Is that even possible?” Gulf pouted sadly. “Am I not the first human that could see you?”

“No, you’re not _that_ special,” He smirked a bit, a very rare expression from him. “Most of people that had near-death experience usually could see me. And also, there are quite a few people that gifted with the ability to see spirited creatures.”

“But why I could keep seeing you like this?” Gulf blinked curiously through his lashes.

“I don’t want it to happen, either,” Mew said flatly. “But you’re certainly very determine to catch my attention, didn’t you? You could’ve just passed by through me without care in order to avoid me even if you could see me.”

“But I don’t want to,” Gulf insisted childishly. “You’re way too interesting to passed by. I learned a lot from you.”

“Is that so?” Mew smiled amusedly. “Just— don’t regret it someday. I might have to do something that you don’t like, sooner or later.”

And it happened when he reached his 35 years old age. The person that he loved the most — the person that he _thought_ would be here forever for him and for his family no matter what, suddenly took her last breath. Gulf refused to eat for days, refused to answer the guests’ questions that came at the funeral regarding how his mother suddenly passed away without any major sickness — he rarely cried in public and he still didn’t cry at the funeral. However his blaring red eyes, puffy eyes, and breaking voice, showed how much he cried out of people’s eyes. His father and sister’s effort to make him eat didn’t succeed. Gulf knew that she barely ate either. Gulf didn’t know how could his sister plastered a smile — albeit a forced one — to the guest and answered their question calmly, because he only could stay silent.

“You should eat, you know,” Gulf suddenly heard a familiar voice.

“Since when do you care?” He snapped a bit annoyedly.

“I might not care much, but your mom does.”

Gulf’s lips trembled and his cracked voice sounded more terrible with his helpless state as he grabbed through Mew’s collar, “Do you have to take her??? Can you brought her back??? Why didn’t you stopped her when she wanted to crossed the streets because there are stupid drunkards that would drive through her???? You stopped me in the past when I wanted to jumped. _Why couldn’t you do that for her???????”_

Mew looked at Gulf’s helpless, crying face as all of the tears and snots mixed up with the dried tears from earlier when he cried secretly. He slowly moved Gulf’s body away from him and patted his shoulders to calm him down. “Nong, as much as I hate to say it — it _really_ is her destiny. It _is_ already her time. It’s not up to me wether she would die now or for the next 10 years or so — it’s already written in the stars since the day she was born by the creator of the universe.”

“But— _but_ — you _could’ve_ prevent it— you _could_ told me— I _could’ve_ prevent it to be happened—“ Gulf insisted as he shed another tear.

“No, I can’t do that. It’s not at my capacity,” Mew stare at him solemnly. “Listen, you might not ready to hear it now. But.... if there’s anything that I could told you wisely, there are only two things that are fixed in this world. It’s the day of your birth and the day of your death. You could’ve make some effort to lengthen your life, like live healthily for example — however, since your death already decided upon the day of your birth, no matter how you take care of your life, there will be another way for you to end your life other than sickness.” Mew took a deep breath before he continue, "It's something that would have to be happened, Gulf, your mom might be not left you now, but eventually, _she will,_ and you would feel as broken no matter when you lost her."

Gulf stared at him dejectedly, helplessly, but this time he didn’t cry. He only staying silent to seeped up Mew’s words even though the grim reaper could feel that he haven’t took the hurt reality pretty well. Mew slowly erased his tears that still wet on Gulf’s face and whispered, “I don’t think it’s wise for us to constantly seeing each other’s companion from now on. It’s not good for you, and I clearly couldn’t fulfil your wishes.”

Gulf still insisted on staying silent but his tight hold upon Mew’s hand could easily be read by the grim reaper.

“The next time you see me, it would be your time,” Mew locked his eyes upon Gulf’s. “Be a good man even when I’m not here, okay? You still want to meet your mother right?”

Gulf nodded his head frantically, helplessly, still grabbed on Mew’s all black attire tightly.

“Nong, I have to go....”

 _“Don’t—,”_ Gulf squeaked out his cracked voice. “Don’t leave me alone.”

Mew sighed, he kissed the crown of Gulf’s head in good bye and slowly removed his tangled hand from Gulf’s.

“I—,” Gulf started when Mew started to walked away from him. “Please tell my mom that I would do a lot of good deeds in order to meet her again.”

Mew turned back and let out a small smile for the last time, “She knew that you will.” Mew then nudged his chin to the plates of food served for the guest. “Now, eat a bit. Take care of yourself on your own from now on.”

When the ‘next time’ come — Gulf nearly — _nearly_ forget that it would come. He only remembered it when he saw Mew’s familiar face with his all black attire that didn’t changed one bit, not getting older and full of wrinkles like Gulf’s. He, after all, was a grim reaper that theoretically speaking — _couldn’t_ die.

“Hey, you,” Gulf chuckled upon seeing his old friend.

“Hey, been a long time,” Mew smirked a bit before he was back with his cold self as per usual.

“Is it my time yet?” Gulf asked lightly as if it was a simple ‘how are you today?’.

“As much as I want to said no like the first time that we met, I’m afraid that it is,” He could see Mew smiling sadly at him.

“Is that so?” Gulf pondered a bit.

“Yeah,” Mew still smiling a bit sad. “Are you not afraid?”

“You’re the one that taking my life. Why should I feel afraid?” Gulf shrugged easily.

“I mean, to left your family — your wife, your children, your grandchild....”

“Sooner or later, it’s going to happen anyway,” Gulf sighed tiredly. “It’s just a matter of time. It’s already written in the stars that I would be going to be dead at this specific time. I learnt that the most when I lost my parents.”

Mew raised his eyebrow amusedly at the obvious character development, “Do you not feeling sad, like _,_ at all?”

“I did. It’s only the human nature that I should be feeling sad. Sometimes I’m asking myself, did I already prepared enough for them so that they would live peacefully without my presence? Did I already did the best for them?” Gulf stare solemnly at nothing. “However, I feel like — when I see your face again, I oddly feel like I’m coming home? Maybe it’s a start for something that I oddly waiting for.”

“If the luck turned to you, you might could’ve seeing your parents again.”

“Right? I maybe lost something that I owned at the present time, but I could meet everyone that I lost upon my early life,” Gulf chuckled. “Isn’t it odd that death also feels like a basic life lesson? You have to lost something in order to gained something that you wanted.”

“Maybe, but I couldn’t leaked things for you just yet," Mew smirked at him.

“Still a cold, uninformative grim reaper aren’t you?” Gulf chuckled amusedly.

“And who knows a cheeky teenage boy could turned into someone so wise that accepting his fate of death in the wisest state without even shed a tear or two?” 

They shared a knowing smile from their years of friendship and companionship in the past. After all, they already knew about each other _that_ much.

“Please take care of me to passed through the afterlife, will you?” Gulf asked with a bit of hope.

“I couldn’t promised much, but, well, I’ll try,” Mew folded his arms as he asked Gulf to followed him to walk at the endless white room.

Gulf felt like dying was some form of nostalgic thing, something that indeed feels like coming home. Meeting an old friend, and hopefully, coming back home to the family member that he missed. Only, this time around, he was glad that he took his fate peacefully, not involving some form of jumping through the bridge because it would certainly feels hurt.

He was glad that he got to met Mew that day.

**Author's Note:**

> I know it’s not a very common topic, but at some point it’s also often talked about in recent pop culture nowadays. Inspired by a lot of scriptures, folklore, fairytales, dramas, movies, books (particularly tale of beedle the bard), and my personal view regarding life and death. 
> 
> Hopefully you will like it as much as I’m enjoying writing it ❤️


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